Diagnosis... a 15 year journey

Today was a big day. I would say the diagnosis was long awaited after three years of searching, but now I know it's been about a 15 year journey.

I remember getting ready for my sister's wedding my senior year of high school and breaking down in tears because even the thought of having to get out of the car and walk into one of the stores while we were running errands was so exhausting and daunting. It was the first time that I can remember recognizing a deep fatigue throughout my body that wasn't just tiredness. From that time forward, I would go through periods of time lasting months where I was constantly fatigued. It was emotionally draining, and one of the reasons I was hesitant to serve a full time mission for my church.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, started taking medicine, and served a mission in Chile. We walked every day. I was exhausted, but able to complete my mission. I contracted typhoid in the first month of being in Chile, despite having been vaccinated just prior to my departure. It took me years (about eight) to finally feel like my digestive system was beginning to function normally.

When I started student teaching in DC I remember I was in the middle of one of my bouts of fatigue. I began to search again for answers. I went to a nephrologist, who found that I was constantly dehydrated and had extremely low blood pressure. I even went to a cardiologist. Still no answers, and I thought it was all in my head. I also had a few professionals say I was just depressed.

When I moved to Palo Alto and started working at a new school, I was sick often with every bug that went around the school. Then three years ago I contracted mono. When I didn't heal, we started to treat adrenal, hormone, viral, and thyroid problems. I exhibited symptoms of malaise in all of these areas. It became obvious that the symptoms were cyclical. While I still haven't felt completely well, as I continue to heal, I relapse about every few months. During my most recent relapse I finally decided to test for Lyme's. Today, as my doctor told me that I tested positive for both Lyme Disease and a co-infection, the puzzle pieces started to come together.

My system has been fighting a pretty intense infection for over 15 years (I have no idea when the tick bite occurred). It has weakened my immunity, in addition to causing cyclical fatigue. This is why I was susceptible to viruses I was supposed to have had immunity to (typhoid after being vaccinated, and who gets mono when they're 30?... and I would often get the same virus multiple times in a row during flue season).

But this is all the physiological puzzle. So many of the puzzle pieces of other areas of my life are making sense. I have been counseled multiple times, in a variety of settings, to exercise and eat healthy. This has been a priority for me, and made all the difference in my health as I have dealt with all of these health issues.

I have always felt that mono had purpose. I did not know how, and all I could see for a long time was a wake of pain and disappointment and discouragement. But had I never contracted mono, it may have been years before I ever knew I had Lyme. The intensity of mono forced me to search and search until I got an answer. It wasn't until I couldn't get to work and couldn't do the basics of life that I was convinced that something was truly wrong.

As far as not having an answer for three years, I have learned so much about alternative medicine, advocating for myself in a medical setting, researching, listening to my body, learning how to rest and truly take care of my body... that I don't think I would have learned if I had had a diagnosis. I've also learned how to eat so that I don't have sugar cravings... which (for anyone who struggles with intense sugar cravings) is worth the extra time spent in the dark. I've been stretched emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically. I have gained empathy in ways I couldn't have without going through all of this.

So sitting there on the back steps of my school, tears flowing as my doctor told me the diagnosis... I felt so many emotions. Gratitude that I had a diagnosis and could begin to get the right treatment... that I no longer wondered if people thought it was all in my head (and no longer wondered if it actually was in my head), no longer wondered if I just didn't know how to deal with life's stresses and was weak and this is how I manifested my weakness- through 'feeling sick'. Gratitude for friends who support me, and love me, and care. For colleagues and a boss who have been understanding and supportive beyond what I would have ever hoped for. For a sister who I immediately called and who, as always, had inspired and wise words that I needed to hear. For another sister who will be one of my greatest supports and sources of wisdom. I felt tired. I felt compassion for myself, that I have been through this for the past three years...no 15... but three years of my world turned upside down. A sense of closure, as well as the commencement of a new journey. I felt devastated that I have a disease that will never go away, and for which there is no cure  or clear treatment. I felt scared that I have an illness that is quite controversial, highly political, and not covered by insurance. Sad that I might not be traveling for a while. Afraid that traveling to second and third world countries (my preferred travel destinations) may not be good for my health.

That moment out on the steps, above all, was sacred. I felt like it was a moment with my Father. When He was letting me know that He was there, and showing me all of these blessings through what I had seen mainly as a refining, painful, difficult trial. I felt trust... that God is in control. That He is guiding my life, and will continue to do that. Finally, I felt faith in and gratitude for Christ, through whom all good things come. And good things do come...