When I emerged from the water as a newly baptized eight year old my plan was to avoid sin, and stay clean for the rest of my life. I was so excited to have that new start and clean slate. Within about an hour I think I had yelled at my sister and the whole plan was a wash.
Not surprisingly, with that kind of thinking, I maintained that perfectionistic mentality through college and through my twenties. I thought that I was supposed to avoid sin at all costs, and that any necessity of repentance was indicative of weakness or laziness. Except, of course, the understandable little stuff. Like 'I felt anger toward someone or spoke negatively about them', 'my prayers haven't been as sincere', or or even, gasp, 'I wasted time today and only took 5 minutes to read my scriptures'.
It's not so much that my actions have changed. I don't feel that I sin any more than I did before. But my perspective has. I recognize that as a spiritual being having a mortal experience, there is so much for me to learn through experience, that to not make any mistakes would hinder my progress. It would mean that I have shut myself in a room, and am holding my breath for fear of making a mistake. To view ourselves as imperfect beings, making plenty of mistakes, learning from them, growing, and most importantly, depending on our Savior to be forgiven and to progress... this is living. This is why we are here.
As I have changed my perspective the Atonement has become more real. I feel closer to Christ and to my Father. My motives are more pure. I do not try to avoid sin with the motivation of being a good girl. I am trying to become whole and complete as I come closer to God and my Savior and become more like them. When my prayers aren't as sincere, I talk to God about what's going on and why I'm distracted. When I waste time I'm not as hard on myself and instead think about what use of my time actually makes me happy. When I feel angry or frustrated or annoyed I recognize I am human and ask myself what I'm doing with these emotions.
I find myself judging less, feeling more compassion, recognizing how little I can see of the iceberg of people and their situations, living in the moment and in gratitude, and I am happier.
Not surprisingly, with that kind of thinking, I maintained that perfectionistic mentality through college and through my twenties. I thought that I was supposed to avoid sin at all costs, and that any necessity of repentance was indicative of weakness or laziness. Except, of course, the understandable little stuff. Like 'I felt anger toward someone or spoke negatively about them', 'my prayers haven't been as sincere', or or even, gasp, 'I wasted time today and only took 5 minutes to read my scriptures'.
It's not so much that my actions have changed. I don't feel that I sin any more than I did before. But my perspective has. I recognize that as a spiritual being having a mortal experience, there is so much for me to learn through experience, that to not make any mistakes would hinder my progress. It would mean that I have shut myself in a room, and am holding my breath for fear of making a mistake. To view ourselves as imperfect beings, making plenty of mistakes, learning from them, growing, and most importantly, depending on our Savior to be forgiven and to progress... this is living. This is why we are here.
As I have changed my perspective the Atonement has become more real. I feel closer to Christ and to my Father. My motives are more pure. I do not try to avoid sin with the motivation of being a good girl. I am trying to become whole and complete as I come closer to God and my Savior and become more like them. When my prayers aren't as sincere, I talk to God about what's going on and why I'm distracted. When I waste time I'm not as hard on myself and instead think about what use of my time actually makes me happy. When I feel angry or frustrated or annoyed I recognize I am human and ask myself what I'm doing with these emotions.
I find myself judging less, feeling more compassion, recognizing how little I can see of the iceberg of people and their situations, living in the moment and in gratitude, and I am happier.
Staying in the moment and in gratitude. Difficult when sick, easier when surrounded by family and beauty.
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