The Parable of the Talents

When I was younger I didn't understand why God would possibly command 'from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath'. And there is still so much for me to learn about this parable. I am beginning to see how much abundance there is when we give up what we have been given. In the sense that we recognize it is not ours to protect or hoard. Our talents, gifts, abilities, possessions, families, friends... really anything good we have in our lives, is given to us by God. It is living, in that it will die and shrivel if we keep it to ourselves. But the breath and light and nourishment of Christ's love will allow it to multiply and flourish.

So how do we allow Christ to multiply the very things He has given us? By letting go. By looking outward. By desiring to bless and serve others.

I have learned this the hard way in one aspect of my life. I have clung so tightly to my agenda for much too long. Particularly in the area of physical activity. It was my identity, my sanity, my therapy, my passion, and my addiction. It also made me look how I wanted to look- the way I thought I needed to look to be loved and accepted. I realized how many mys and Is were surrounded by this aspect of life. I was using this beautiful gift of a body which was well and capable and beautiful, to glorify... myself. So it was taken. I got so sick I couldn't do anything active. For a time I felt I had lost my identity. My body changed and I also felt I had lost my beauty. As often is the case, it was in this humble place, without my talent, that I began to see more clearly the purpose for which I was given this gift of my body. And I am now seeking to gain back my health for the purpose of living a whole, complete life. With my body and energy I want to be present with people, have a reserve of energy to be able to serve, go for walks, enjoy life. I want to use my talent to do God's work. I felt I was doing this before, but now is when I get to prove it. I am letting go, and letting Christ heal. I don't know the ending to that story yet, but I do know that when we let Christ in, the ending is always even better than we plan for.

As I think about one aspect of my life in which I was a profitable servant, I think of when I decided to serve a mission. I decided to set aside my fears, and serve the Lord for 18 months. As I entered the training center and began the intense 14 hour days of studying, I realized missionary work was all about teaching. I had been a very shy child and teenager. My mind went blank when I stood in front of people. The only time I could ever remember a presentation going well was in AP Spanish when I presented in another language (the Lord really does know what He is doing... I served in Chile). I found myself praying for the ability to teach. It began with the desire to avoid embarrassment, but as I continued my service throughout my mission my motivation changed from a self focus to a deep love for the people. I was blessed with the gift of teaching. I knew, without question, that it was a gift, and it was mine as long as I used it to do God's work. Humbly. When I returned home, I taught in the MTC. I continued to recognize it as a gift everyday. I knew it wasn't mine naturally. I decided to become a teacher. Now, over ten years after praying for that gift, I can see how it has changed my life. It has multiplied and created abundance. It has also been the greatest source of love. Teaching is nurtured by love- the love I feel for my students, and they for me. The love I feel for others from God and through Christ. I don't know the ending to this story either, but I pray that I will stay humble enough to allow the Lord to continue to multiply this gift.

Peace amidst turmoil. Clarity following confusion. Love replacing fear.

I fell into restless sleep thinking about my need to acknowledge the abundance of blessings in my life. Apparently it was a time sensitive necessity (or maybe it was the pizza my awesome roommate made me right before bed. Either way, here I am awake at 4am)...

Number one, the overwhelming amount of love I feel. As surely as I know that God exists and is my father, I know that this love is a gift. It is my greatest source of gratitude right now. I recognize that it is from Christ. I know that it is a gift with a purpose of helping others. It is one I am frequently grateful for- to love both those I know and don't know, to varying degrees. It comes sometimes so out of the blue I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. I have felt it a lot for friends and students lately. Maybe because I am leaving them... perhaps I feel the love they have for me. It's weird that it feels both explainable and unexplainable. Unexplainable perhaps in its quantity and quality, explainable in that if I think about the individual person I can say many of the reasons I love them. Unexplainable in that those reasons actually only make up a fraction of that love. The only answer I have to that is that the rest comes from Christ.

Number two, that as all these crazy changes take place in my life, which on the outside look tragic, I feel peace and gratitude and happiness. Another testimony that the best things in life do not come from getting what we want, or even our circumstances, but from the intangible. I am taking a leave of absence from my dream job and deeply missing my students, my health is not cooperating with life goals, I am leaving my life (and especially friends) and social opportunities, and a couple of other more personal things (as if those things aren't already personal)... and I feel trust in God. I trust that my students will be taken care of, that I will be able to return to doing what I love, that my health will in fact become better than it has been in years, that other long term 'self projects' will undergo a lot of progress in the near future, that dating and marriage and family will work itself out in the right timing as long as I am trying my best to do my part, that I will be able to spend invaluable time with my family, and that the other personal things will work themselves out in their time. As the path to this point has not been easy, I don't think it's necessarily going to be a cake walk, but I see very clearly right now the Lord's hand in my life. And I am grateful for this perspective.

Number three. My faith journey. I am grateful the road is not smooth, but rough. Otherwise, how would our own rough edges become polished? My beliefs do not come from naively being spoon fed the most palatable parts of LDS theology. I grew up in a family where beliefs ranged from Atheism to Catholicism to eastern spiritual practices to Mormonism. I chose to practice Mormonism as a result of spiritual experiences and study. My focus in my later teenage years was following Christ and becoming more grounded in Him and in my relationship with Him. I did this through reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I taught it for years as a missionary and teacher of missionaries in the Missionary Training Center. But the greatest test of my faith has come in the past two years, when I came to a place where the only thing I could say I knew was that God existed. I remember that moment, and thinking "I don't actually feel that He loves me anymore, and if I don't know that, then I don't know anything." I built up from there. And as I examined what I believed, and asked in prayer for confirmation of the foundation of my testimony of Christ's gospel as I believe it to be true, it was very much the fruits of the Spirit which testified of truth. I felt the love I hadn't felt from God. I felt peace, and a strange trust that everything would be ok (strange because I couldn't possibly see how logically it could be). I also felt illumination in my mind as I studied. My testimony has so much more polishing and refinement to undergo. And my spirit even more... but I feel confident in saying that the testimony I have is not one that is based on trust of what other people have told me. It is personally tried and tested. 

One of the most beautiful things, I am finding, about this life, is the individual and unique journey we each must take in order to reach our potential. That looks like Buddhism to some. Calvinism to others. Independent or eclectic spiritual practices to others. Atheism. Judaism. Polytheism. Unbelief. A life of service. It looks like fame and fortune, poverty and hunger, life in a house with a white picket fence, abandonment, abuse, being surrounded by love, a life of loneliness... but I truly believe that is what binds us to Christ. Not one of us escapes the pain from sin and sorrow, and we all need Him. That He suffered it all is incomprehensible to me. If I could even come close to understanding the magnitude of it I would be overwhelmed with gratitude every moment of every day. Hopefully some day we will understand it fully. How incredible our relationship with Him will be!

So while our paths are unique and beautiful, I do also believe that when we are ready, we will all have the opportunity to accept His true teachings. And the paths we took to get to that place of readiness will provide us with the foundation and the truths and whatever we need in order to live and accept those doctrines. I don't think Mormons have a corner on the market on good people, or 'chosen' people... there are many people who are not LDS who are more spiritually evolved, or closer to Christ, or with a better relationship with God, or more serviceable, or less judgmental. I do believe that it is the fulness of Christ's gospel and that I have a responsibility to live my life the best I can to do His work to unify and bring people to Christ. I don't think that means baptize the whole world. I think that means love people, accept them, learn together, respect where they are in their journey, share with them what I believe if they want to know... and I am trying to learn what else that means. It's all a process. I am happy right now for where I am in that process. At this moment. At 5am with a night of wakefulness behind me and a beautiful day ahead of me.

A perfect day

With one of my soul sisters. Thank you angel Heather for teaching me the important stuff.

Really amazing timing. 

Frolicking is my new favorite thing

Avila, the best

Cabo

I can't believe I forgot to post! Ok, after thinking I wasn't into beach vacations, I proved myself wrong. I do love the adventure, non-Western trips... but sometimes your body and mind need to check out with a couple good girlfriends and just be. That's what Cabo was. We read, swam, talked, reflected, cooked, made friends with the locals, ate not so awesome froyo, kayaked, whale watched, and I may have lost my temper with a guy who tried to rip us off.

Celebrating Heather's Haw's Scholarship first night. 'Ella esta emberezada' got her an extra virgin mojito. She deserved after all her hard work.

The view from our balcony

Reread my favorite childhood fiction. And the water was perfect.

Sunrise on the last day.

That famous arch thing. Whale watching. One of the best parts of the trip.

A goodbye...for now

Words cannot describe how difficult it was to say goodbye to my students today. After not taking the opportunity to go on paid medical leave last fall (thinking I could do part time instead), I am now taking a leave of absence and finally listening to what my body needs... hoping that complete rest will lead to recovery of my health.

But it has been so hard. And leaving my job has been the hardest part. I was almost grateful I was so sick when I went in today. There was no second guessing my decision to take this time to recover my health. And my students knew I needed it as well. I just don't know if they knew just how much I love them and will miss them. They make me smile everyday. They bring more love and happiness into my life than I ever thought I could get from my job. I know they will survive without me... just not sure how I will do without them. I felt like I was abandoning them today as I told them this was my last day for a few months.

I wish I could post pictures of them... but not sure how legal that is... so I will bore my readers with some of my favorite things about teaching these special spirits.

Meditation and mindful eating. They had no idea how much they would like it when they first started, and now they ask me for it all the time. Kids really do have so many of the solutions and answers adults forget about by the time they grow up. Kids know what's good for them, what they need, what makes them happy, and what's most important in life. They are creative, have a great understanding of life and people and how we work, and are intuitive.

Math lessons. I love how excited they are to get their math lessons. When I told them I was leaving, one of the first things they asked was 'who's going to give us our math lessons?'.

Individual, one on one attention. This is one of the reasons this school is the utopia of education. Individualized instruction and curriculum. My favorite part of teaching- that one on one attention.

Our noise level realization. This year we started asking them to decide what noise level they want at different times during the day (from absolute silence to whisper to quiet voice to talking voice). Then one day I decided to ask them if they thought they could each decide on what noise level was good for them. The classroom ran smoothly with the beautiful low hum of kids at work and engaged in their learning. Ever since then they have proven to know how to self monitor and stay focused without the external 'noise level' imposition.

Their excitement to see me everyday. The handshake greetings that turned into hug greetings. The compliments (somehow kids just know when you need extra love... and they never disappointed).

The stories of weekend adventures and reading late into the night and random experiences they were so excited to share.

Eating lunch with them. Dance parties. Shopping for cooking supplies. Cooking together. Collecting money for Zambian orphans. Morning meetings. Talking during free play. Clean up... that they still love me after how hard I make them work and even nagging them to make the room sparkle. Alex's puberty talk and all the cringes. I and C's visits to talk about boy drama.

E and his random thoughts, challenging and confrontational statements, excess of love and willingness to help, sensitivity to others and what they are feeling and thinking, and his brilliance. The other day he said 'Melissa, if God told you to flush yourself down the toilet, would you do it? I mean, you have to do whatever God tells you to do right?'. He's atheist and is constantly challenging my beliefs in a respectful way. Not sure how respectful that statement was... but it made me laugh. He also tried to convince me that God would swear if He stubbed his toe. I wasn't buying it. I will miss our conversations. He gives energy and light and love everyday.

C and her creativity and amazing, individual personality. She has been one of my most challenging students but I was blessed with love for her and to see her special spirit. She was one of the first to give me a big hug today. She is a beautiful individual.

O... how I love this girl. She is fun, HILARIOUS, sensitive to others, empathetic, always working on herself, diligent in her school work even when things don't come easily, and has a beautiful smile. She is a mature and deep spirit.

S has only been my student for a month but is so loving. I don't think anyone has ever given me so many hugs in such a short period of time. She has a serene, loving presence. Her beautiful almond shaped eyes hold a joyful innocence which I do not think will fade with age.

K reminds me of my sweet sweet nephew Shane. He doesn't seek attention or get close to people very often, so when you gain his affection, you feel like a million bucks. He never feels a need to please or prove himself, so in the rare moment when he seeks approval, you feel pretty special.

B is the little fiery curly haired redhead who plays ice hockey but looks like she should be frolicking in a field of wild flowers. She is one of the most cuddly kids I have ever met and I love her hugs.

A... when I think of her I just think of her saying my name over and over and over again to get my attention, then talking and smiling a mile a minute. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile on her face.

A has caught my attention since I very first met him, long before he was my student. He exudes integrity, goodness, kindness, hard work, wisdom, and quiet dignity. I would want my son to be like him.

I was so scared when S came into our class. Scared that I would not have the patience or energy or ability to deal with his special needs. Instead of my fears being realized, he brought light and love and lots of laughter. He is still like a tornado when he walks through the classroom, and sometimes needs to control bodily functions a little better, but is loved for always being exactly who he is.

A is 100% personality. She could entertain an entire room full of people for hours all by herself. From her dance moves to her confidence in interacting with anyone, to her accents and impersonations, I felt like we would have been best friends if we had been the same age.

S is full of love. That's who she is. Love. And affection. She is a sensitive soul, but so eager to share her love.

And I haven't even written about the ones who have been my long time favorites, ever since I was their Spanish teacher, like S and J. Or how much D and J have matured and become more responsible and empathetic.

They are such incredible, good, gifted kids. And I love them more than I expected. I guess this is what happens when you pray to love your students, and then on top of that they are lovable in the first place. Shane, Alex, and Jesse better be ready to be my new students and get all the love and attention I would be giving to my class. They don't even know what they have coming. Poor kids:)

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

  C. S. Lewis

Words of wisdom from one of my favorite authors

There are no words to add... only that every time I listen to this I realize how much I needed it.