A Picture Says a Thousand Words

So this is my life right now...

And I am right under where the sun is peaking through the thickest clouds. Moving in the direction of the foreground of the photo.

Over the past few months, as I have put all my faith and energy and emotional bandwidth... and much of my money... into some personal work, the Lord has set the stage perfectly. The process has been painful, but necessary. I asked Him to show me my true value and worth. I asked Him to help me value myself for the best reasons. I want not to find confidence not in how I look or what I do or the reasons others value me or in my gifts or talents... or whatever else has given me value aside from the the very most important thing. I am seeking to depend on my divine worth, that I am God's daughter, for my self esteem.

That prayer has been answered in ways I would have never imagined and in ways I would have never asked for. I can no longer depend on much of what I depended on in the past. True to the nature of such sources of confidence, they are temporary and transient. When I embarked on this journey I had no idea what I was about to lose.

I have a feeling, as I see myself in the background of this photo, I have no idea what I have to gain. And how much greater that is than what I have lost. I continue this journey attempting to let go. The less I cling to what I think it should entail and the less I attempt to hasten the process, the more meaning I will find in even the most difficult aspects of it. And hopefully in time the clouds will become a little more scattered. The sunshine a little more abundant. But I also hope the lessons of this journey will stay with me for a very very long time.

Jan. 4th. Another attempted run. Turned jog. Turned speed walk. Turned achy old lady strut. Nothing like being sick to make you appreciate things you took advantage of. I can't wait to go for a good run again!

Jan. 2nd.

Thumb wars. The three way is way more fun.

Sisters united. Love these lovely ladies.

This little man was my sunshine through a couple of rough days. Love my little Moon.

Pismo Pier. Classic.

Last sunset in Pismo.

Shane, Mica, Jesse. 

Walk with Angel Heather the day after Christmas at Avila. Favorite beach with one of my favorite people. 

Mama and Baby on our walk around the neighborhood with Grandpa. I love their connection. Waking up in the morning with Kristina, Tress, and Mica and just playing was one of my favorite parts of being home.

Sunset on the way to Christmas dinner at Kimberly's.

Dad won for finding the best way to entertain Mica.

Some of My All Time Favorite Dances

I Dance Like This In My Dreams

More Morning Runs... er Jogs...ok Sometimes Walks. Can't wait to get my energy back.

Same time, same place. Sometimes great things come from canceling your gym membership. This is  the highlight of my day right now. And my students. And my friends. And my family. So it comes down to people and sunrises right now. 

Dec. 17th. I got lucky. My run happened to be between rain showers.

Dec. 14th. Duckies. And colors. Lots of them.

Dec. 13th

Dec. 12th

Dec. 11th

Dec. 10th

Dec. 7th

Dec. 6th

Dec. 5th

Dec. 4th. Love mornings like this.

The Gift of Self

It is a gift which fulfills all that a Christmas gift should fulfill.

When I think about the gifts that have meant the most to me they range from the cards written by students to the stone washed, paint splashed, zipper up the back jeans my mom bought me one Christmas (long after that fashion failure had left the racks of department store for good). That Christmas Mom had almost nothing to work with in the way of finances. She had put away something small each month throughout the year. As always, she set aside her own wants, and stretched the Christmas savings fund. She raided  The Dollar Store and Goodwill, thinking of both the needs and (what she thought were) the wants of her children. I remember opening gift after gift of out of date thrift store clothing. My 8 year old heart filled with disappointment (and I actually remember thinking 'couldn't she have just gotten one good present instead of ten bad ones'), but I somehow had the wisdom to show gratitude to Mom and her best efforts. I knew then, and know increasingly with every year that passes, that my mom loves me beyond what I can understand. She prays for me daily. She forgives my impatience and selfishness as she works at having a close relationship with me. She continues to sacrifice for my comforts. She is elated when I am happy and distraught when I struggle. It does not matter what her gifts are, I always feel the love behind them. That love is far more powerful than the 'perfect' present. 

So sometimes the gift of self comes in the form of a thoughtful and heart felt card. Sometimes it's stopping amid the business of tasks and check lists to help someone in need. Sometimes it's praying on behalf of a loved one. Sometimes it's spending time with a friend. And sometimes it's the 'wrong' gift with the right intentions. 

Whatever it is that I give this Christmas I want to emulate the Savior in offering my best with a heart filled with love.

The First Presidency Christmas Devotional