He is the Gift – Christmas Video – #ShareTheGift

Realization #525,600: Sometimes Urgent Care can be a fun adventure

It's Saturday morning and I'm rushing around the kitchen thinking about how I am going to fit a walk with a friend, laundry, making cookies, and helping another friend move... into the hour and a half I have before my afternoon plans, which I am squeezing in before the longer standing late afternoon plans.  All as I anxiously think that what I probably need most is a nap. I stubbornly decide I can't give up any of it. Turn on the hand immersion blender, thoughtlessly swipe the blade area to get every last bit of batter, when suddenly I see blood coming from the blender. After a moment of confusion I realize I've turned on the hand blender with my finger still in it. Still in shock, my friend (who I was supposed to help move) rushes me to urgent care and sits with me through the nerve shots, x rays, morphine injection (that one was definitely worth it), wait for the plastic surgeon to come in from her daughter's soccer game, waves of nausea and pain, and finally stitches and bandaging.

Sometimes prayers are answered in odd ways... I definitely got my nap in last weekend. And didn't end up doing any of the things I thought were so important. I was really grateful for western medicine for the first time in a while:) And bytheway I have THE best friends ever.

 Photo, and hand holding cred: Bry. 

 Still no pain meds. 

Radiation!

 Just in case queasiness hasn't set in yet

But don't worry, it's getting better...

Because of Him

Beginning Again

How many times do I have to relearn the lesson that new beginnings are beautiful, but they are never what we expect them to be? And the trick to seeing the beauty and the blessings and feeling the gratitude is to let go of the expectations.

So here I am back in Palo Alto (residing this time around in Menlo Park... quite the change from my EPA days).

I somehow expected to get back to my 'old life'... but what would be the point of that after two years of intense remodeling? Knocking down some stubborn walls and creating new spaces (re: that awesome CS Lewis quote). So when I had this realization I started hoping the tearing down was complete and the fun part was in place. You know, the building up, starting to see what exactly is being created from all this remodeling. Maybe even some decorating. Again, expectations. So here I am in a familiar place, yet feeling as though this is completely unknown and uncharted territory. Most of the time trusting the process, some of the time freaking out and lacking faith in the architect and builder. I know, so many metaphors. Perhaps there's more meaning in it to refer to metaphors, as this is really what's going on in all of our lives, just with different circumstances.

Some of the beauty I'm beginning to see after years of construction:

Whale watching with Tress, Mica, Mom, Dad

I couldn't say even six months ago that spending time with my family would have brought me solace at the conclusion of an emotionally taxing week. But as soon as I met up with them in Santa Cruz I knew it was no coincidence that Tressa's birthday outing had come at this time. I felt the complete and unconditional love and acceptance of my parents. The connection and understanding that comes only from a sister, along with the ability to laugh at the same random things. And the fresh, pure, innocent wonder of sweet little Mica. It was a perfect afternoon, one that has been perfected in the deepening and strengthening my relationships with my family over the past two years. To see more clearly than ever that we were placed in the same family for very specific  reasons. I believe I chose them, and I am grateful for each one of them. Eternally.

At the top of my gratitude list: my job

Do you ever feel like the things you care least about are the things that go most smoothly for you in your life? And the things you care most about are the train wrecks? I won't go into my train wrecks...although you can definitely figure them out if you are at all acquainted with me, or if you browse through this blog. Growing up, and even graduating from college, I never felt strongly about my career. I never thought I would feel passionately about it. And yet, I felt guided into it. I have always had more than one great offer for employment when I've decided to make a move. I've always had ideal working situations. My students have always been amazing (even the one who threw the desk at me- I really liked that kid). My colleagues and administration, the same. When I leave one job, I always think 'there's no way it could get better', and then it does. I've finally allowed myself to recognize that perhaps my job and career are a great source of fulfillment and passion for me.

Returning to work has created a huge space for gratitude in my life. I've been doing a lot of office work as I build up my health and strength (and immunity) in preparation for getting back to my classroom, so when I taught my first lesson after over six months away I was a little nervous. As I looked at the students, and felt their love, and how much I loved them, and how much I loved teaching, it all came back. I'm sure I was a little rusty in teaching skills, but the familiar energy and love of it was there. I realized that I will always love teaching, and always seek opportunities to teach.

Remember these little gems?

Turns out, coincidences are much more than just coincidences. I have been trying to stay involved in the cause since I went to Zambia with MWB. I've tried to spread awareness among my students, their families, and my friends in the Bay Area. I've tried to help with current fundraising efforts, but haven't been very effective. Out of the BLUE my head of school asks me to be on the fundraising committee and to attend a workshop on how to do it effectively. This is something I am NOT good at people, as proven by my poor fundraising campaign when I went to Zambia (thank you Uncle Nat for taking care of the majority of the fundraising requirements, and to all those who contributed). And yet, here I am with this incredible opportunity to learn how to raise money for causes about which I am passionate; my school, and many other non-profits in the future.

Would I have seen these beautiful new additions to my mansion in their true light if they had just been given to me years ago? Most definitely not. Do I see them as such now that intense remodeling has taken place to construct them in my life? Most definitely. Sometimes the pain and heart ache prepares us to see the depth of the beauty of what we are about to be given. 

The Best Four Letter Word in the English Language

SALT

I have always thought I was a sweet (as opposed to savory) person. Chocolate or chips... is there really a question? But let's go beyond the tastebuds. To the memories, associations, sensations, practical uses, and even religious references accompanied by the most precious mineral of all.

(Sweet Shane! I will forever love this boy)

Tears. The refreshing, cleansing, renewing, and exhausting release of the deepest of emotions. Whether distress, grief, pain, sadness, discouragement, frustration, or any number of uncomfortable emotions...what would we do without this physical relief of pain? They are often what clear my head, what bring me to God in total submission, and what remind me that it, whatever it is, will pass.

(I don't think I've ever had so much salt on my body as I did after this race)

Sweat. One of my favorite recurring memories is the dried post race salt on my face after the moisture has evaporated. The image of white lines of salt on my tank top after an intense workout. The sight of beads of sweat forming from each pore during a hot yoga class. Clothes drenched from spin class. Gratitude that I have a body that can work hard, cool itself off, and recover from physical exertion.

(Cacacacabo)

The ocean. The feeling of salt in my hair and on my skin as the sun dries my body. The taste of it on my lips long after I have left the beach. The buoyancy in the ocean water creating memories of bobbing in and out of the waves (just beyond the break) with friends, sisters, and Dad.

Christ admonished His followers during His Sermon on the Mount to be the salt of the earth. Salt brings flavor. He taught us to seek our spiritual gifts; that we are each uniquely needed. As we use these gifts to help others and to glorify God, they will be multiplied. In this way we season the earth with our unique gifts and talents. Salt also heals. In the same way that iodine heals wounds, and salt water soothes sore throats, we are called to be instruments in one another's healing. To bear one another's burdens, comfort those in need of comfort, and mourn with those that mourn.

What would the world be like without salt? I don't want to know. I'm just grateful for everything associated with that blessed mineral. Including pickles. 

This little gift of time, and rest

I really am resting...

HMB with some of my favorites... Christi and Melinda in this one.

The visit that gave me the extra motivation to be well and ready to teach by August.

Tress and Mica's appearance on the Central Coast. No one wanted them to leave.

It LOOKED amazing- the hair do Alex gave me. Didn't feel so amazing trying to take it out.

 Mom's surprise 70th... "Oh my goodness! I didn't know I had so many friends!"

 Jtown crew turned Ptown. Love these guys.

 Zoe, Chrissy, and Dave, and 

 Melinda and Brittany's visit! Best girls' weekend EVER.

 Glam shots. I'm trying to be sultry and it looks like I'm squishing a bug... oh well we can't all be good at EVERYTHING.

 Melinda actually IS blowing a ladybug off her finger. Britt opted out of the glam shots because she knew she'd show us both up. Such a good friend.

Sunday afternoon stroll through cow/creek/green hill country.

 Colorado beauty from 14,000 ft. up. I really loved the thunderstorms and raw beauty, but it was the people that made the trip. Thanks Jennia, Danielle, Ryan for a perfect trip.

Fishers of Men

I received a CD with this audio as a Christmas present when I was in college, wore it out (so happy taking care of CD's didn't end up being a necessary life skill), and have been looking for it ever since. So happy to find it again.

Just...lately

That time there was a double rainbow. All the way.

View of the SF from Oakland temple

The besties

Sunset at Avila...still not old

Gardening. Amateur gardening that is.

Good ol' Farmer's Market

Speaks to my soul

The Trust...

A.MAZE.ING

Fix-you

Becoming perfected...in Christ

When I emerged from the water as a newly baptized eight year old my plan was to avoid sin, and stay clean for the rest of my life. I was so excited to have that new start and clean slate. Within about an hour I think I had yelled at my sister and the whole plan was a wash.

Not surprisingly, with that kind of thinking, I maintained that perfectionistic mentality through college and through my twenties. I thought that I was supposed to avoid sin at all costs, and that any necessity of repentance was indicative of weakness or laziness. Except, of course, the understandable little stuff. Like 'I felt anger toward someone or spoke negatively about them',  'my prayers haven't been as sincere', or or even, gasp, 'I wasted time today and only took 5 minutes to read my scriptures'.

It's not so much that my actions have changed. I don't feel that I sin any more than I did before. But my perspective has. I recognize that as a spiritual being having a mortal experience, there is so much for me to learn through experience, that to not make any mistakes would hinder my progress. It would mean that I have shut myself in a room, and am holding my breath for fear of making a mistake. To view ourselves as imperfect beings, making plenty of mistakes, learning from them, growing, and most importantly, depending on our Savior to be forgiven and to progress... this is living. This is why we are here.

As I have changed my perspective the Atonement has become more real. I feel closer to Christ and to my Father. My motives are more pure. I do not try to avoid sin with the motivation of being a good girl. I am trying to become whole and complete as I come closer to God and my Savior and become more like them. When my prayers aren't as sincere, I talk to God about what's going on and why I'm distracted. When I waste time I'm not as hard on myself and instead think about what use of my time actually makes me happy.  When I feel angry or frustrated or annoyed I recognize I am human and ask myself what I'm doing with these emotions.

I find myself judging less, feeling more compassion, recognizing how little I can see of the iceberg of people and their situations, living in the moment and in gratitude, and I am happier.

Staying in the moment and in gratitude. Difficult when sick, easier when surrounded by family and beauty.

The Pilgrimage

At just about every site we heard the same words... 'this may have been the place where...'. So why do we go on pilgrimages? Why is it so impactful to travel and sacrifice to learn about who and what we worship? From my experience, it has everything to do with the personal preparation involved. I could have learned all that I learned spiritually in my little room in Palo Alto, just talking with God and studying His words. Perhaps someday I will have the faith and devotion necessary to have those kinds of experiences wherever I might be.

Aside from the spiritual feast, I felt the usual exhilaration from and love of traveling as I met and observed the people and their culture. I am also left feelings similar to the ones I experienced when I returned home from Zambia. I don't have words adequate to describe what I learned and saw and felt.

These two. How did I get so lucky? Kel, me, Christi crossing the Israel/Jordan border. On our way to Petra from Eilat.

Moussah was a very interesting man. Fun to talk to for the first 15 minutes of our cab ride, then I just wanted a little time to think. Then when he grabbed my hand while we were car dancing to Jordanian music I felt a little funny inside. Fun stories...

Petra! It felt so good to walk/hike through this ancient city carved out of stone after 2 days of sitting either on a plane, in a cab, or in a rental car.

The Treasury

Our camels in front of the Treasury

The old city... the dwellings in Petra

The theatre

Our camel ride! Arabian nights, like arabian days...

Abdullah, my sweet, bright little friend who sold me a bracelet. I am seriously a sucker for the kids selling stuff. I didn't even want the bracelet, but it was so worth it to get to know him. His English was impeccable.

The Monastery. I practically ran up the stairs to get here. It felt so good to get some exercise.

Jefferson's and my morning run. High place of sacrifice. I wasn't as brave as Jefferson but...

We got to watch the sunrise, and be in two places. I felt like I was in Last of the Mohicans.

Snorkeling at the Red Sea

And the tour begins. Yet somehow we still managed to hang out with our little 'pre-tour' group. The best travel buddies. Jefferson, Christi, me, Billy, Kel, Ben.

Since we got lost in the West Bank on our way to church. And fortunately survived (ok it actually didn't feel that dangerous). We took the sacrament outside, in front of the Jerusalem Center, with a beautiful view of Jerusalem. Pretty cool experience.

The group

Like those pictures that are almost the same, but wouldn't be complete without both... little dance party at the JC

Bry and me

Love these streets. Old city. It was here that I was asked if I had a boyfriend, to which I responded 'yes'. To which he responded. 'But you don't have a boyfriend in Jerusalem'. I mean, he had a point.

The best duo of the trip

Christi, Kel, me. My gal pals. The best kind.

Rampart's walk. Along the north and west walls.

View of just outside the city walls

The picture I was taking...

Hezekia's tunnels

I almost slipped off that rock into the not so clean water. 

Dome of the Rock and the temple mount! We definitely didn't get enough time here. But I definitely got lots of photos of this beauty.

Where Jesus taught when he was 12- at the temple.

Can't take credit for this one

Wailing Wall, Dome of the Rock.

At the Western Wall on Friday at 6, the beginning of the Jewish sabbath. We observed the same sabbath. 

One of my favorite parts of the trip-observing the worship here. So much energy, devotion.

Hasidic Jews at the Western Wall.

The lower part of the Western Wall

Singing hymns at St. Ann's near the Pools of Bethesda

One of the most meaningful sites for me. Jesus healed the lame man here. He heals physical ailments today as well as in times of old.

The Garden Tomb

The church at the site believed to be the Garden of Gethsemane

Singing hymns at the Garden of Gethsemane

The Shepherds Field. There was a special spirit here.

Chewin her lunch

Camel ride

Sweet animals. I was so happy to see them treated well by their owners.

So basically no guarantee for your safety, or even life, if you are Israeli. Heading into Jericho.

And the walls came tumbling down... yes we sang the song and danced in a circle.

The mud was AMAZING

The heaven sent rainbow at the Dead Sea after the downpour

Jefferson using his resources to get his workout in while on our morning run. Followed by a refreshing dip in the Sea of Galilee.

Me, Tim, Katie, David. Morning run along the Sea of Galilee.

With Kristen!

Sea of Galilee. So calm. So serene. This was one of my favorite places.

Pondering while on the boat on Galilee

Mount of Beatitudes

A definite highlight of the trip. Sunset and reading of the Sermon on the Mount.

Our run together was one of my highlights. Such a wise woman.

Recording some thoughts at the River Jordan

The Valley of Armageddon

Free wifi... in Nazareth

Ceasarea on the Mediterranean. Our last moments together as a group.

One of my favorite memories. A full two hours to ponder and be alone at the sea. At sunset. It was my happy place.

Bill, as usual, making us all laugh. 

How could I forget?! The Birthday Plog. Thank you Benson for documenting this. Thank you Kel for being born, and for finding the plog.