I breathe a sigh of relief as I mount my bike, insert my earbuds, and check the baby monitor (my bike is on a trainer, though I wouldn't put it past myself to attempt that level of multitasking out on the road). It's that time of day when I have a dedicated hour to sweating out the stresses, frustrations, fears, anxieties, pressures, and anything else built up over the past twenty four hours. I settle in to send a message to a close friend and soon find myself saying 'I'm so frustrated... I can't figure out what it is...I think it's that she's just not doing what I want her to do.' And even as I say it, I know it is just as absurd as it sounds. Since when were babies supposed to do anything but exactly what their wise little souls know to do in order to survive and to thrive? But the doctor says she needs to gain weight. And the book say she needs to take longer naps. And I say she needs to be able to play by herself for at least a few minutes while I clean up the mess from trying to feed her all the food she refused to eat.
As I run through all the things that are frustratingly not happening as they 'should', I feel that I have been here before. When A plus B did not equal C, as I planned it would when I was mapping out my life at the ripe age of twelve. When the very things I thought I would never experience made their way into my life. When the timing was off and no matter how much I muscled through, the things I wanted most just would not materialize, while the opportunities I did not care about were plentiful.
I look back on experience after painful experience, all sharing this same lesson, and I recognize that God in His wisdom has not given me everything I wanted or even thought I needed in my timing. I see the wisdom within myself to draw in people and experiences that allowed me to grow and create a beautiful life, one that is made up of beautifully odd shaped puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together (I have not seen how they all fit, nor have I seen the final product, but it is beautiful).
My Addie is carving her own path, much of it foraged through innate wisdom that even the tiniest of babies possess, and all of it in the hands of a perfectly benevolent Creator. I will try not to stand in the way of that process in my limited and imperfect perspective, rather seek to draw out and guide and love all the pieces of her beautiful puzzle.
