Some things in life come right when you hope for or expect them, others come long after, and a few come even before expected. In my experience, my great opportunity has been to develop patience and exercise faith when it comes to the greatest desires of my heart. To our great surprise, the heart desire of becoming parents actually came before we expected, and we are so grateful to be awaiting the arrival of our first Lewis little in May.
And it truly is a miracle. One of my opportunities for patience has been healing from chronic illness. Despite doctors and diagnoses and research and prayers, I continue to seek answers and treatment for my physical ailments. I had no idea if having my own children was a real possibility. Getting pregnant so soon after getting married broke my pattern of waiting longer than hoped for with the big things. I was thrown off...fully expecting to start considering adoption and foster parenting and other ways of being parents. I know God could have helped me find my husband long ago, or answers to my health problems, and there are many reasons that parenthood might not have come so soon...but He truly does have a plan for us with specific timing. When the timing was right, I married the person who was best for me. When the timing is right, I will be healed of my physical limitations. And when the timing is right, we will have the gift of a new member of our family...maybe even more than one someday.
I have thought often about the different challenges we each face in this life, and the timing of deliverance or healing from them...from mental or physical ailments and handicaps to infertility to loneliness or staying single longer than hoped for to loss of loved ones to gender identity or sexuality issues to abuse, addictions, to anything that brings us to the depths of sorrow and anguish. My heart breaks as I see loved ones and even strangers deal with debilitating difficulties. I find peace in knowing that healing comes through Christ, here and in the future. It is precisely in the midst of those moments that have brought me to my limits that God has taught and refined me. There I have found stillness and letting go and strength beyond my own. There I have felt His love most tangibly and purely. There empathy was cultivated, and I have had sacred moments with my Creator. These have been some of the most painful, and at the same time some of the sweetest moments of my life. This life is to strengthen our spirits and grow with God and those we love, and ultimately return to Him. With this perspective, our greatest blessings are often our greatest challenges.
Perhaps this is my opportunity to feel and seek this closeness through joy, anticipation, and deep gratitude rather than in pain and in sorrow. I am grateful for both ends of this spectrum in life, and everything in between.
