How many times do I have to relearn the lesson that new beginnings are beautiful, but they are never what we expect them to be? And the trick to seeing the beauty and the blessings and feeling the gratitude is to let go of the expectations.
So here I am back in Palo Alto (residing this time around in Menlo Park... quite the change from my EPA days).
I somehow expected to get back to my 'old life'... but what would be the point of that after two years of intense remodeling? Knocking down some stubborn walls and creating new spaces (re: that awesome CS Lewis quote). So when I had this realization I started hoping the tearing down was complete and the fun part was in place. You know, the building up, starting to see what exactly is being created from all this remodeling. Maybe even some decorating. Again, expectations. So here I am in a familiar place, yet feeling as though this is completely unknown and uncharted territory. Most of the time trusting the process, some of the time freaking out and lacking faith in the architect and builder. I know, so many metaphors. Perhaps there's more meaning in it to refer to metaphors, as this is really what's going on in all of our lives, just with different circumstances.
Some of the beauty I'm beginning to see after years of construction:
Whale watching with Tress, Mica, Mom, Dad
I couldn't say even six months ago that spending time with my family would have brought me solace at the conclusion of an emotionally taxing week. But as soon as I met up with them in Santa Cruz I knew it was no coincidence that Tressa's birthday outing had come at this time. I felt the complete and unconditional love and acceptance of my parents. The connection and understanding that comes only from a sister, along with the ability to laugh at the same random things. And the fresh, pure, innocent wonder of sweet little Mica. It was a perfect afternoon, one that has been perfected in the deepening and strengthening my relationships with my family over the past two years. To see more clearly than ever that we were placed in the same family for very specific reasons. I believe I chose them, and I am grateful for each one of them. Eternally.
At the top of my gratitude list: my job
Do you ever feel like the things you care least about are the things that go most smoothly for you in your life? And the things you care most about are the train wrecks? I won't go into my train wrecks...although you can definitely figure them out if you are at all acquainted with me, or if you browse through this blog. Growing up, and even graduating from college, I never felt strongly about my career. I never thought I would feel passionately about it. And yet, I felt guided into it. I have always had more than one great offer for employment when I've decided to make a move. I've always had ideal working situations. My students have always been amazing (even the one who threw the desk at me- I really liked that kid). My colleagues and administration, the same. When I leave one job, I always think 'there's no way it could get better', and then it does. I've finally allowed myself to recognize that perhaps my job and career are a great source of fulfillment and passion for me.
Returning to work has created a huge space for gratitude in my life. I've been doing a lot of office work as I build up my health and strength (and immunity) in preparation for getting back to my classroom, so when I taught my first lesson after over six months away I was a little nervous. As I looked at the students, and felt their love, and how much I loved them, and how much I loved teaching, it all came back. I'm sure I was a little rusty in teaching skills, but the familiar energy and love of it was there. I realized that I will always love teaching, and always seek opportunities to teach.
Remember these little gems?
Turns out, coincidences are much more than just coincidences. I have been trying to stay involved in the cause since I went to Zambia with MWB. I've tried to spread awareness among my students, their families, and my friends in the Bay Area. I've tried to help with current fundraising efforts, but haven't been very effective. Out of the BLUE my head of school asks me to be on the fundraising committee and to attend a workshop on how to do it effectively. This is something I am NOT good at people, as proven by my poor fundraising campaign when I went to Zambia (thank you Uncle Nat for taking care of the majority of the fundraising requirements, and to all those who contributed). And yet, here I am with this incredible opportunity to learn how to raise money for causes about which I am passionate; my school, and many other non-profits in the future.
Would I have seen these beautiful new additions to my mansion in their true light if they had just been given to me years ago? Most definitely not. Do I see them as such now that intense remodeling has taken place to construct them in my life? Most definitely. Sometimes the pain and heart ache prepares us to see the depth of the beauty of what we are about to be given.
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