In Sunrises

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Costa Rica. Land of pura vida.

And that it is. Not because of the landscape or the climate or the fact that there's not a single place where something isn't growing... I mean their fence posts turn into trees. But because the people understand what life and happiness and being a neighbor and friend is all about. They take South American hospitality, generosity, and kindness to a level I didn't think existed. From day one, people were helping in ways I wouldn't expect from a stranger. Sergio kept saying, 'this is normal- all ticos (Costa Ricans) are like that. By the end of the trip I believed him, but still didn't know how to receive it.

So I left my heart there. Actually maybe my heart never really left South America and I was finally back home (I know, it's Central America... but everything I love and miss about South America, and more, can be found in Costa Rica. Ok not everything...). The generosity, kindness, love of the people was familiar. The language made me so happy. The landscape. The way of life. I realized I needed at least three months to explore. I wondered why I had waited so long to return to Central/South America.

The vacation was everything I needed and didn't even know I needed. So many personal, spiritual, growth lessons. So many beautiful moments. Time to relax. Time to face difficult stuff. Time to spend in my favorite places- at the beach and in the ocean and outside and at waterfalls and in the trees. Opportunities to explore and be adventurous. Opportunities to discover strengths I didn't know I had. Angel Heather. Spanish. Rain. Thunderstorms. Warmth. Sand and sun and salt. Yoga. Barefoot beach runs. Feeling lots and lots of love. Taking unfiltered pictures (not because they wouldn't be better filtered, but because they won't load the right way and can't be edited:)

Arrival at Arenal (the active volcano) in La Fortuna... yes this was the view from our B&B cabinas.

Ziplining! (canopy tour) The view from one of the towers

Quick hike to the beautiful La Fortuna waterfall, where we went swimming, and where I almost got carried down the rapids. Scary moment when I wasn't sure if I was more embarrassed my bathing suit was coming off or that I was about to go over the rapids.

Pose time. I do best when I'm not looking at the camera... apparently.

Still the same day (we packed it in). Drive to a hike we never found. Ended up on some fire road (a la Puerto Rico trip... how do I always find the fire roads?). Decided to just park on the side of the road and explore just as it started raining. Ended up having a great walk and talk and....... ending up at THE LAKE! So we jumped in (after asking some locals if there were leaches or sharks, just in case). It was beautiful and glassy and misty and we had it all to ourselves (except the entourage of onlookers).

Leaving La Fortuna, headed to the beach. And there was a tiny traffic jam.

After two beach towns that just didn't cut it, turning back at river crossings, long pot holed dirt roads, navigating by instinct and prayers, we finally ended up at Nosara. Unplanned, and totally worth it. This is the north end of Play Guiones. First morning I ran here, did some yoga, and played around in the tide pools.

Then I ran to the south end, which was my heaven. I had this perfect, calm beach all to myself. So I did what anyone would do in such a situation.

Next day: repeat. Add meditation, nap, double dip, yoga, scripture study, and voice journal.

On the way to my piece of morning solitude and paradise.

Our room in Nosara. Quite the contrast to the one in Carrillo (but that one lasted a couple of hours before we decided it was time to move on). This was heaven sent. Amazing food, super chill staff, and obviously comfortable and beautiful accommodations. Yoga was right across the road. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect set up. Oh and the beach was about a 3 minute walk away.

Thank you Norbert for suggesting we head to San Juanillo, the little fishing village off the beaten path with a beautiful beach and DELICIOUS Soda. We may have taken a wrong turn or two on the way there and ended up at Playa Ostional via someone's driveway.

Isaraeli/Costa Rican. One of the best meals I have ever eaten. No exaggeration.

I can't just choose one. There was a thunderstorm later that day and the only place to be was on the beach. Getting drenched. Watching surfers. And the clouds. And walking in the water. It was perfect to see the sun set beyond the storm clouds.

One of the many routes we took screen shots of to try to find our way around without data (and thus without navigation).

And the best part of the trip. This sweet family. We played barbies and talked with Andrea and ate her delicious tico cuisine. It was heaven.

Morning shot! It was a long night...

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Win for the New School Year

I'm going to admit... even if this makes me a bad teacher... that baby voice + being disruptive/needing a lot of attention = very very bad combination for Melissa's patience. I had never had to deal with this until two days ago. I have searched deep to find both patience and love for a student who fits this description.

This morning it became clear that some behavior needed to be addressed earlier than later so as not to start bad habits. I was tempted to 'lay down the law', express that some things are 'not acceptable'. I knew as I said a silent prayer and quickly thought through how to handle a conversation with said student, that genuine kindness and love were the only things that would make a difference in this situation. Yet I was still not feeling what I wanted to feel before having a heart to heart with Squirmy.

We went outside, and conversation ensued. Just at the moment when it was needed, the love came. The desire to really help this student thrive and grow and mature came. The words that conveyed that and asked the right questions and helped him come up with solutions to correct disruptive and attention seeking behavior came.

This is still the beginning of the school year, and beginning of the journey. There are difficult, frustrating days ahead no doubt. But today was a win. He was a different kid the rest of the day. He even came to sit by me during our circle at the end of the day.

This morning I walked into my classroom and felt the very familiar feeling of loving everything about being a teacher, and not wanting to be anywhere else than in my classroom, or with any other people than my students (and co-teachers of course). I feel so much love for them collectively and individually. They are INCREDIBLE little people. I love getting to know them. I love eating lunch with them. I love seeing them grow. I love watching them interact. I am extraordinarily excited for this school year. How did I get so lucky?

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Diagnosis... a 15 year journey

Today was a big day. I would say the diagnosis was long awaited after three years of searching, but now I know it's been about a 15 year journey.

I remember getting ready for my sister's wedding my senior year of high school and breaking down in tears because even the thought of having to get out of the car and walk into one of the stores while we were running errands was so exhausting and daunting. It was the first time that I can remember recognizing a deep fatigue throughout my body that wasn't just tiredness. From that time forward, I would go through periods of time lasting months where I was constantly fatigued. It was emotionally draining, and one of the reasons I was hesitant to serve a full time mission for my church.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, started taking medicine, and served a mission in Chile. We walked every day. I was exhausted, but able to complete my mission. I contracted typhoid in the first month of being in Chile, despite having been vaccinated just prior to my departure. It took me years (about eight) to finally feel like my digestive system was beginning to function normally.

When I started student teaching in DC I remember I was in the middle of one of my bouts of fatigue. I began to search again for answers. I went to a nephrologist, who found that I was constantly dehydrated and had extremely low blood pressure. I even went to a cardiologist. Still no answers, and I thought it was all in my head. I also had a few professionals say I was just depressed.

When I moved to Palo Alto and started working at a new school, I was sick often with every bug that went around the school. Then three years ago I contracted mono. When I didn't heal, we started to treat adrenal, hormone, viral, and thyroid problems. I exhibited symptoms of malaise in all of these areas. It became obvious that the symptoms were cyclical. While I still haven't felt completely well, as I continue to heal, I relapse about every few months. During my most recent relapse I finally decided to test for Lyme's. Today, as my doctor told me that I tested positive for both Lyme Disease and a co-infection, the puzzle pieces started to come together.

My system has been fighting a pretty intense infection for over 15 years (I have no idea when the tick bite occurred). It has weakened my immunity, in addition to causing cyclical fatigue. This is why I was susceptible to viruses I was supposed to have had immunity to (typhoid after being vaccinated, and who gets mono when they're 30?... and I would often get the same virus multiple times in a row during flue season).

But this is all the physiological puzzle. So many of the puzzle pieces of other areas of my life are making sense. I have been counseled multiple times, in a variety of settings, to exercise and eat healthy. This has been a priority for me, and made all the difference in my health as I have dealt with all of these health issues.

I have always felt that mono had purpose. I did not know how, and all I could see for a long time was a wake of pain and disappointment and discouragement. But had I never contracted mono, it may have been years before I ever knew I had Lyme. The intensity of mono forced me to search and search until I got an answer. It wasn't until I couldn't get to work and couldn't do the basics of life that I was convinced that something was truly wrong.

As far as not having an answer for three years, I have learned so much about alternative medicine, advocating for myself in a medical setting, researching, listening to my body, learning how to rest and truly take care of my body... that I don't think I would have learned if I had had a diagnosis. I've also learned how to eat so that I don't have sugar cravings... which (for anyone who struggles with intense sugar cravings) is worth the extra time spent in the dark. I've been stretched emotionally, physically, spiritually, and psychologically. I have gained empathy in ways I couldn't have without going through all of this.

So sitting there on the back steps of my school, tears flowing as my doctor told me the diagnosis... I felt so many emotions. Gratitude that I had a diagnosis and could begin to get the right treatment... that I no longer wondered if people thought it was all in my head (and no longer wondered if it actually was in my head), no longer wondered if I just didn't know how to deal with life's stresses and was weak and this is how I manifested my weakness- through 'feeling sick'. Gratitude for friends who support me, and love me, and care. For colleagues and a boss who have been understanding and supportive beyond what I would have ever hoped for. For a sister who I immediately called and who, as always, had inspired and wise words that I needed to hear. For another sister who will be one of my greatest supports and sources of wisdom. I felt tired. I felt compassion for myself, that I have been through this for the past three years...no 15... but three years of my world turned upside down. A sense of closure, as well as the commencement of a new journey. I felt devastated that I have a disease that will never go away, and for which there is no cure or clear treatment. I felt scared that I have an illness that is quite controversial, highly political, and not covered by insurance. Sad that I might not be traveling for a while. Afraid that traveling to second and third world countries (my preferred travel destinations) may not be good for my health.

That moment out on the steps, above all, was sacred. I felt like it was a moment with my Father. When He was letting me know that He was there, and showing me all of these blessings through what I had seen mainly as a refining, painful, difficult trial. I felt trust... that God is in control. That He is guiding my life, and will continue to do that. Finally, I felt faith in and gratitude for Christ, through whom all good things come. And good things do come...

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Lessons from S

"But I don't WANT to write the conclusion!" She stomped her foot, which made me have to consciously hold back a laugh... S is a very big person in a very little person's body. Her twin sister is rarely encumbered with anything really. She is care free, happy, and loves to laugh. S is a passionate, stubborn, firecracker with a skeptical and critical nature. She continued, "Why did you choose me?! You could have chosen anyone in the group and you chose ME." I tried, as calmly as I could, to explain my reasoning. To which she responded with a dramatic exit from the classroom and an attempt to slam a slam proof door. Moments later she returned with tears in her eyes, saying she was overwhelmed with all the work she had to do. I should have seen the signs then, but empathy was not my strong point in that moment.

I asked a member of her group to help her with the assignment. I thought I was being understanding. She refused to do it. I sat down with her and told her that I would help her. She refused again, then started back on the protests. "Why did you choose ME?! I don't WANT to do it". I don't often deal with temper tantrums, but this was full blown. I explained to her that she didn't have to do it, but that I was giving her an opportunity to get better at something she had told me she wasn't good at. And I was there to help her along the way. She continued to refuse and cry. She told me she wasn't getting any of her regular work done because she was spending all her time on this pointless, stupid Science Fair project, and that she just wanted to work on her normal work.

And then I realized... the shocking similarity between S and me. I was quick to judge her- pessimistic, slow to get out of her comfort zone, unwilling to try difficult things, unable to see the bigger picture and how she could succeed if she would only try, and trust me.

And here I am looking back on almost three years of tears and temper tantrums. Being pushed to the limit, outside of my comfort zone, encouraged to take the next step into the dark and asking "Why THIS? Why NOW? How will I ever do this? I can't! Let me go back to how things were." And yet He continues to gently sit by me through all these fits, and be there when I'm ready to even look in the direction doors He is opening for me.

I was working away so busily at my normal tasks- the ones I could manage, that kept me so busy... kept me feeling like I was accomplishing so much. When He was preparing me all that time to do the big Science Fair project. The one that put all those skills to use. That pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped me see that I can do really hard things. The one that can be exhilarating and fun and full of learning if I choose to see it that way. And can also be scary, daunting, and frustrating if I don't let Him help me with it.

Sweet S was a little reflection of a beautiful soul with good intentions, some stubbornness, and infinite potential. Loved unconditionally by the One who will both push her beyond her limits and help her become greater than she ever thought possible. This is what we are here to learn. S and I both have a little work to do in this area, but we're headed in the right direction.