The Pilgrimage

At just about every site we heard the same words... 'this may have been the place where...'. So why do we go on pilgrimages? Why is it so impactful to travel and sacrifice to learn about who and what we worship? From my experience, it has everything to do with the personal preparation involved. I could have learned all that I learned spiritually in my little room in Palo Alto, just talking with God and studying His words. Perhaps someday I will have the faith and devotion necessary to have those kinds of experiences wherever I might be.

Aside from the spiritual feast, I felt the usual exhilaration from and love of traveling as I met and observed the people and their culture. I am also left feelings similar to the ones I experienced when I returned home from Zambia. I don't have words adequate to describe what I learned and saw and felt.

These two. How did I get so lucky? Kel, me, Christi crossing the Israel/Jordan border. On our way to Petra from Eilat.

Moussah was a very interesting man. Fun to talk to for the first 15 minutes of our cab ride, then I just wanted a little time to think. Then when he grabbed my hand while we were car dancing to Jordanian music I felt a little funny inside. Fun stories...

Petra! It felt so good to walk/hike through this ancient city carved out of stone after 2 days of sitting either on a plane, in a cab, or in a rental car.

The Treasury

Our camels in front of the Treasury

The old city... the dwellings in Petra

The theatre

Our camel ride! Arabian nights, like arabian days...

Abdullah, my sweet, bright little friend who sold me a bracelet. I am seriously a sucker for the kids selling stuff. I didn't even want the bracelet, but it was so worth it to get to know him. His English was impeccable.

The Monastery. I practically ran up the stairs to get here. It felt so good to get some exercise.

Jefferson's and my morning run. High place of sacrifice. I wasn't as brave as Jefferson but...

We got to watch the sunrise, and be in two places. I felt like I was in Last of the Mohicans.

Snorkeling at the Red Sea

And the tour begins. Yet somehow we still managed to hang out with our little 'pre-tour' group. The best travel buddies. Jefferson, Christi, me, Billy, Kel, Ben.

Since we got lost in the West Bank on our way to church. And fortunately survived (ok it actually didn't feel that dangerous). We took the sacrament outside, in front of the Jerusalem Center, with a beautiful view of Jerusalem. Pretty cool experience.

The group

Like those pictures that are almost the same, but wouldn't be complete without both... little dance party at the JC

Bry and me

Love these streets. Old city. It was here that I was asked if I had a boyfriend, to which I responded 'yes'. To which he responded. 'But you don't have a boyfriend in Jerusalem'. I mean, he had a point.

The best duo of the trip

Christi, Kel, me. My gal pals. The best kind.

Rampart's walk. Along the north and west walls.

View of just outside the city walls

The picture I was taking...

Hezekia's tunnels

I almost slipped off that rock into the not so clean water. 

Dome of the Rock and the temple mount! We definitely didn't get enough time here. But I definitely got lots of photos of this beauty.

Where Jesus taught when he was 12- at the temple.

Can't take credit for this one

Wailing Wall, Dome of the Rock.

At the Western Wall on Friday at 6, the beginning of the Jewish sabbath. We observed the same sabbath. 

One of my favorite parts of the trip-observing the worship here. So much energy, devotion.

Hasidic Jews at the Western Wall.

The lower part of the Western Wall

Singing hymns at St. Ann's near the Pools of Bethesda

One of the most meaningful sites for me. Jesus healed the lame man here. He heals physical ailments today as well as in times of old.

The Garden Tomb

The church at the site believed to be the Garden of Gethsemane

Singing hymns at the Garden of Gethsemane

The Shepherds Field. There was a special spirit here.

Chewin her lunch

Camel ride

Sweet animals. I was so happy to see them treated well by their owners.

So basically no guarantee for your safety, or even life, if you are Israeli. Heading into Jericho.

And the walls came tumbling down... yes we sang the song and danced in a circle.

The mud was AMAZING

The heaven sent rainbow at the Dead Sea after the downpour

Jefferson using his resources to get his workout in while on our morning run. Followed by a refreshing dip in the Sea of Galilee.

Me, Tim, Katie, David. Morning run along the Sea of Galilee.

With Kristen!

Sea of Galilee. So calm. So serene. This was one of my favorite places.

Pondering while on the boat on Galilee

Mount of Beatitudes

A definite highlight of the trip. Sunset and reading of the Sermon on the Mount.

Our run together was one of my highlights. Such a wise woman.

Recording some thoughts at the River Jordan

The Valley of Armageddon

Free wifi... in Nazareth

Ceasarea on the Mediterranean. Our last moments together as a group.

One of my favorite memories. A full two hours to ponder and be alone at the sea. At sunset. It was my happy place.

Bill, as usual, making us all laugh. 

How could I forget?! The Birthday Plog. Thank you Benson for documenting this. Thank you Kel for being born, and for finding the plog.

Today. A piece of heaven.

There is no possible way that anyone's quality of life could not improve here. I came to rest and be around family in order to regain my health. I have a feeling there is a lot more to be gained. Very grateful.

Playing in the rain with three of my favorite people. How are kids so good at loving? It's like we forget as we get older. Or maybe we get hurt and are afraid to as freely.

One of the many benefits of this beautiful rain.

The view from my window this morning. I heard the creek and the rain all night.

Shane at the bridge.

Alex getting ready to play in the creek while Kevin fixes the gutters. Just a normal day in the life of the Charles fam. We played. We watched a movie. We talked. They helped me unpack. I rested (check). I even got to exercise (just a little). AND I got some of the best cards. I love them.

 The Parable of the Talents

When I was younger I didn't understand why God would possibly command 'from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath'. And there is still so much for me to learn about this parable. I am beginning to see how much abundance there is when we give up what we have been given. In the sense that we recognize it is not ours to protect or hoard. Our talents, gifts, abilities, possessions, families, friends... really anything good we have in our lives, is given to us by God. It is living, in that it will die and shrivel if we keep it to ourselves. But the breath and light and nourishment of Christ's love will allow it to multiply and flourish.

So how do we allow Christ to multiply the very things He has given us? By letting go. By looking outward. By desiring to bless and serve others.

I have learned this the hard way in one aspect of my life. I have clung so tightly to my agenda for much too long. Particularly in the area of physical activity. It was my identity, my sanity, my therapy, my passion, and my addiction. It also made me look how I wanted to look- the way I thought I needed to look to be loved and accepted. I realized how many mys and Is were surrounded by this aspect of life. I was using this beautiful gift of a body which was well and capable and beautiful, to glorify... myself. So it was taken. I got so sick I couldn't do anything active. For a time I felt I had lost my identity. My body changed and I also felt I had lost my beauty. As often is the case, it was in this humble place, without my talent, that I began to see more clearly the purpose for which I was given this gift of my body. And I am now seeking to gain back my health for the purpose of living a whole, complete life. With my body and energy I want to be present with people, have a reserve of energy to be able to serve, go for walks, enjoy life. I want to use my talent to do God's work. I felt I was doing this before, but now is when I get to prove it. I am letting go, and letting Christ heal. I don't know the ending to that story yet, but I do know that when we let Christ in, the ending is always even better than we plan for.

As I think about one aspect of my life in which I was a profitable servant, I think of when I decided to serve a mission. I decided to set aside my fears, and serve the Lord for 18 months. As I entered the training center and began the intense 14 hour days of studying, I realized missionary work was all about teaching. I had been a very shy child and teenager. My mind went blank when I stood in front of people. The only time I could ever remember a presentation going well was in AP Spanish when I presented in another language (the Lord really does know what He is doing... I served in Chile). I found myself praying for the ability to teach. It began with the desire to avoid embarrassment, but as I continued my service throughout my mission my motivation changed from a self focus to a deep love for the people. I was blessed with the gift of teaching. I knew, without question, that it was a gift, and it was mine as long as I used it to do God's work. Humbly. When I returned home, I taught in the MTC. I continued to recognize it as a gift everyday. I knew it wasn't mine naturally. I decided to become a teacher. Now, over ten years after praying for that gift, I can see how it has changed my life. It has multiplied and created abundance. It has also been the greatest source of love. Teaching is nurtured by love- the love I feel for my students, and they for me. The love I feel for others from God and through Christ. I don't know the ending to this story either, but I pray that I will stay humble enough to allow the Lord to continue to multiply this gift.

Peace amidst turmoil. Clarity following confusion. Love replacing fear.

I fell into restless sleep thinking about my need to acknowledge the abundance of blessings in my life. Apparently it was a time sensitive necessity (or maybe it was the pizza my awesome roommate made me right before bed. Either way, here I am awake at 4am)...

Number one, the overwhelming amount of love I feel. As surely as I know that God exists and is my father, I know that this love is a gift. It is my greatest source of gratitude right now. I recognize that it is from Christ. I know that it is a gift with a purpose of helping others. It is one I am frequently grateful for- to love both those I know and don't know, to varying degrees. It comes sometimes so out of the blue I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. I have felt it a lot for friends and students lately. Maybe because I am leaving them... perhaps I feel the love they have for me. It's weird that it feels both explainable and unexplainable. Unexplainable perhaps in its quantity and quality, explainable in that if I think about the individual person I can say many of the reasons I love them. Unexplainable in that those reasons actually only make up a fraction of that love. The only answer I have to that is that the rest comes from Christ.

Number two, that as all these crazy changes take place in my life, which on the outside look tragic, I feel peace and gratitude and happiness. Another testimony that the best things in life do not come from getting what we want, or even our circumstances, but from the intangible. I am taking a leave of absence from my dream job and deeply missing my students, my health is not cooperating with life goals, I am leaving my life (and especially friends) and social opportunities, and a couple of other more personal things (as if those things aren't already personal)... and I feel trust in God. I trust that my students will be taken care of, that I will be able to return to doing what I love, that my health will in fact become better than it has been in years, that other long term 'self projects' will undergo a lot of progress in the near future, that dating and marriage and family will work itself out in the right timing as long as I am trying my best to do my part, that I will be able to spend invaluable time with my family, and that the other personal things will work themselves out in their time. As the path to this point has not been easy, I don't think it's necessarily going to be a cake walk, but I see very clearly right now the Lord's hand in my life. And I am grateful for this perspective.

Number three. My faith journey. I am grateful the road is not smooth, but rough. Otherwise, how would our own rough edges become polished? My beliefs do not come from naively being spoon fed the most palatable parts of LDS theology. I grew up in a family where beliefs ranged from Atheism to Catholicism to eastern spiritual practices to Mormonism. I chose to practice Mormonism as a result of spiritual experiences and study. My focus in my later teenage years was following Christ and becoming more grounded in Him and in my relationship with Him. I did this through reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I taught it for years as a missionary and teacher of missionaries in the Missionary Training Center. But the greatest test of my faith has come in the past two years, when I came to a place where the only thing I could say I knew was that God existed. I remember that moment, and thinking "I don't actually feel that He loves me anymore, and if I don't know that, then I don't know anything." I built up from there. And as I examined what I believed, and asked in prayer for confirmation of the foundation of my testimony of Christ's gospel as I believe it to be true, it was very much the fruits of the Spirit which testified of truth. I felt the love I hadn't felt from God. I felt peace, and a strange trust that everything would be ok (strange because I couldn't possibly see how logically it could be). I also felt illumination in my mind as I studied. My testimony has so much more polishing and refinement to undergo. And my spirit even more... but I feel confident in saying that the testimony I have is not one that is based on trust of what other people have told me. It is personally tried and tested. 

One of the most beautiful things, I am finding, about this life, is the individual and unique journey we each must take in order to reach our potential. That looks like Buddhism to some. Calvinism to others. Independent or eclectic spiritual practices to others. Atheism. Judaism. Polytheism. Unbelief. A life of service. It looks like fame and fortune, poverty and hunger, life in a house with a white picket fence, abandonment, abuse, being surrounded by love, a life of loneliness... but I truly believe that is what binds us to Christ. Not one of us escapes the pain from sin and sorrow, and we all need Him. That He suffered it all is incomprehensible to me. If I could even come close to understanding the magnitude of it I would be overwhelmed with gratitude every moment of every day. Hopefully some day we will understand it fully. How incredible our relationship with Him will be!

So while our paths are unique and beautiful, I do also believe that when we are ready, we will all have the opportunity to accept His true teachings. And the paths we took to get to that place of readiness will provide us with the foundation and the truths and whatever we need in order to live and accept those doctrines. I don't think Mormons have a corner on the market on good people, or 'chosen' people... there are many people who are not LDS who are more spiritually evolved, or closer to Christ, or with a better relationship with God, or more serviceable, or less judgmental. I do believe that it is the fulness of Christ's gospel and that I have a responsibility to live my life the best I can to do His work to unify and bring people to Christ. I don't think that means baptize the whole world. I think that means love people, accept them, learn together, respect where they are in their journey, share with them what I believe if they want to know... and I am trying to learn what else that means. It's all a process. I am happy right now for where I am in that process. At this moment. At 5am with a night of wakefulness behind me and a beautiful day ahead of me.

A perfect day

With one of my soul sisters. Thank you angel Heather for teaching me the important stuff.

Really amazing timing. 

Frolicking is my new favorite thing

Avila, the best