A Child's Prayer

As we went through our evening routine getting both kids to bed tonight, I felt particularly out of sorts. My tutoring lesson hadn't gone as well as I had hoped, I had dropped the ball on helping a friend, and anxiety was steadily rising. I tried to pinpoint the cause...the deeper root, but could not. 

Miles fell asleep easily in my arms. Addie was happy and giggly and so adorable with her expanding vocabulary and pretend play and subtle lisp. And yet I couldn't let go of the nagging weight on my heart. My normal rhythm of getting the house clean and various items ready for tomorrow was mush. Serge made me lie down while he finished Addie's bath. I relaxed a bit as I listened to Addie talking about her rubber ducky pooping and the bubbles in her bath getting her 'dirty'. 

She was uncharacteristically compliant to getting dressed and getting into bed. She chose to read a new book (I have 'The Gingerbread Man' practically memorized), we sang 'I have a family here on earth' and she looked at me like she was looking deep into my momma soul. 'Do you really love me?' she seemed to be asking. 'I forgive you for all the mistakes you've already made with me' I read in her eyes. 'I see your flaws and your fears and I still love you' I felt her thinking. 'I know you won't always be what I need and want you to be for me, but I hope that I still turn to you'...I feel this pondering from her most often, and I felt it tonight. I realize these thoughts and sentiments are largely a reflection of my own thoughts and experiences and feelings about mother-daughter relationships, but perhaps some of it is being in tune with my own daughter. 

Then Serge offered the prayer. Over the past few weeks she has gone from actively avoiding prayer to becoming very interested. She has begun to pray (with guidance from Serge). She even folds her arms for entire prayers. As Serge began to pray she put her bottle down (if you knew how much she loves that bottle...) and folded her arms. About 20 seconds into Serge's prayer she took over. 'Thank you Cousin Alex. Thank you Auntie Kemly. Thank you Addie. Baby Miles sleeping. Baby toys. Thank you Momma and Dadda. Heavy castle (built with magnatiles). FALL down.' It was a moment that you want to soak up and put in a memory box and never forget. The innocence and sincerity and small little voice and earnest pauses, trying to string words together and pronounce all the syllables. 

I wish I could say that all was well and the anxiety was gone. Instead, I recognized that this evening was the perfect microcosm of my life right now. The weight of raising two precious little spirits contrasted with the magic of the moments that make up the (eternal) days of seeing these pure and innocent humans develop. Not wanting it to go by too quickly, wanting to remember it all, and at the same time wanting to have freedom and sleep and time and even a moment to use the bathroom without wondering if someone will get hurt. Feeling as though I am the the last person I think about, and at the same time seeing more clearly than ever my selfishness. Learning the lesson of 'letting go' over and over and over again, yet in my anxious moments gently coaching myself through that process as though I had never encountered the lesson. Constantly feeling that I am falling short as a spouse, yet knowing that Serge's patience extends even to my inadequacies.

What is the bridge between all of these contrasts? How can the heaviest of weights coexist in my life with the greatest of blessings? I know more than ever that it is Christ. It's His life and His sacrifice and His Atonement and His extended hand and open door. It's His mercy and His power that bring the layers of pain and beauty together to create what only the divine can create, eventually- understanding, perfection; wholeness.

Motherhood 101...deja vu

I breathe a sigh of relief as I mount my bike, insert my earbuds, and check the baby monitor (my bike is on a trainer, though I wouldn't put it past myself to attempt that level of multitasking out on the road). It's that time of day when I have a dedicated hour to sweating out the stresses, frustrations, fears, anxieties, pressures, and anything else built up over the past twenty four hours. I settle in to send a message to a close friend and soon find myself saying 'I'm so frustrated... I can't figure out what it is...I think it's that she's just not doing what I want her to do.' And even as I say it, I know it is just as absurd as it sounds. Since when were babies supposed to do anything but exactly what their wise little souls know to do in order to survive and to thrive? But the doctor says she needs to gain weight. And the book say she needs to take longer naps. And I say she needs to be able to play by herself for at least a few minutes while I clean up the mess from trying to feed her all the food she refused to eat. 

As I run through all the things that are frustratingly not happening as they 'should', I feel that I have been here before. When A plus B did not equal C, as I planned it would when I was mapping out my life at the ripe age of twelve. When the very things I thought I would never experience made their way into my life. When the timing was off and no matter how much I muscled through, the things I wanted most just would not materialize, while the opportunities I did not care about were plentiful.

I look back on experience after painful experience, all sharing this same lesson, and I recognize that God in His wisdom has not given me everything I wanted or even thought I needed in my timing. I see the wisdom within myself to draw in people and experiences that allowed me to grow and create a beautiful life, one that is made up of beautifully odd shaped puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together (I have not seen how they all fit, nor have I seen the final product, but it is beautiful). 

My Addie is carving her own path, much of it foraged through innate wisdom that even the tiniest of babies possess, and all of it in the hands of a perfectly benevolent Creator. I will try not to stand in the way of that process in my limited and imperfect perspective, rather seek to draw out and guide and love all the pieces of her beautiful puzzle. 

Timing

Some things in life come right when you hope for or expect them, others come long after, and a few come even before expected. In my experience, my great opportunity has been to develop patience and exercise faith when it comes to the greatest desires of my heart. To our great surprise, the heart desire of becoming parents actually came before we expected, and we are so grateful to be awaiting the arrival of our first Lewis little in May.

And it truly is a miracle. One of my opportunities for patience has been healing from chronic illness. Despite doctors and diagnoses and research and prayers, I continue to seek answers and treatment for my physical ailments. I had no idea if having my own children was a real possibility. Getting pregnant so soon after getting married broke my pattern of waiting longer than hoped for with the big things. I was thrown off...fully expecting to start considering adoption and foster parenting and other ways of being parents. I know God could have helped me find my husband long ago, or answers to my health problems, and there are many reasons that parenthood might not have come so soon...but He truly does have a plan for us with specific timing. When the timing was right, I married the person who was best for me. When the timing is right, I will be healed of my physical limitations. And when the timing is right, we will have the gift of a new member of our family...maybe even more than one someday.

I have thought often about the different challenges we each face in this life, and the timing of deliverance or healing from them...from mental or physical ailments and handicaps to infertility to loneliness or staying single longer than hoped for to loss of loved ones to gender identity or sexuality issues to abuse, addictions, to anything that brings us to the depths of sorrow and anguish. My heart breaks as I see loved ones and even strangers deal with debilitating difficulties. I find peace in knowing that healing comes through Christ, here and in the future. It is precisely in the midst of those moments that have brought me to my limits that God has taught and refined me. There I have found stillness and letting go and strength beyond my own. There I have felt His love most tangibly and purely. There empathy was cultivated, and I have had sacred moments with my Creator. These have been some of the most painful, and at the same time some of the sweetest moments of my life. This life is to strengthen our spirits and grow with God and those we love, and ultimately return to Him. With this perspective, our greatest blessings are often our greatest challenges.

Perhaps this is my opportunity to feel and seek this closeness through joy, anticipation, and deep gratitude rather than in pain and in sorrow. I am grateful for both ends of this spectrum in life, and everything in between.

The Zambia, Marriage, Nice whirlwind...

In June I left the students and colleagues and school I loved since the day I stepped foot on the campus as a visitor. There was something different about that school. Maybe it was the Montessori method, maybe it was the beauty of the campus, maybe it was the autonomy of the students and teachers...I am convinced it was each individual student, parent, and teacher all coming together to create that energy and feeling. They love learning, they love people, they are creative, they think outside of the box, and they are global citizens. It was a privilege to be part of that community for almost six years.

Two days later, Sergio flew out from Utah and helped me move in with my parents for the month before we would get married. I left a city I love, and friends who mean the world to me. It was all a bit surreal, but I also love and welcome change and new chapters. I soaked up the two weeks with my parents, sisters, niece, and nephews on the Central Coast. I knew this would be my last time with them as a free, single me. I tried not to stress too much as I prepared to co-lead (thank goodness for Kaitlyn, best co-leader in the world) a group of volunteers to Zambia. It was a trip I had taken twice, but leading and coordinating travel and volunteer experience was new. This all as I planned a wedding that would take place less than two weeks after returning from the expedition. Oh, and a move to Nice that would take place three days after the wedding. All with fingers crossed that chronic Lyme would not flare and leave me in bed. 

I was blessed, immensely.

The experience and lessons of Zambia this time around were different and unexpected on a personal level. I am going to venture a guess that other members of my group felt similarly. My biggest takeaways this time around are that we are all much more similar than different, and that there are no easy answers for the difficult questions; no easy solutions for the biggest problems in our world. I started to consider the possibility that sitting in the uncomfortable reality of suffering that does not have an end in this life, and life really isn't fair...just might be the beginning of solving some of the bigger problems. Am I willing to consider that there are not solutions to some problems in this life, but still work toward finding them if it means I can alleviate the suffering of another? These are questions that arose. How do I contribute to suffering? How open is my heart really? Are my personal practices and everyday choices a bigger part of the solution than I give them credit for? What is my role in all of this? I don't have complete answers for any of these questions. I think right now I need to be considering what the questions even are.

I fell in love with these boys. They loved learning and showing me what they were doing in school.

Didn't know me, didn't speak the same language, but grabbed onto my hand and looked at me like 'so what are you gonna do to make things better, huh?'

Showing off their academic skills. Mothers Without Borders' new school!

I may not have had enough time to process Zambia. I most definitely did not have enough time to process Zambia, before I was thinking about guests, accommodations, nails, packing for wedding and move, how much I would miss my family and friends, and how excited I was to start this new chapter with Sergio.

Hip hop shower with green smoothies. The best.

These good souls did the hard stuff.

The day came, and it was perfect. Even, and especially, in its imperfection...it was perfect. Heather, who had sworn she was stuck in Israel eyeball deep in Hebrew classes, showed up the morning of the wedding. A best friend who means the world to both Serge and me. Tressa, little sis who was the embodiment of her thrift-store-found tank 'Team Bride', lifted stress and injected fun and laughter just with her presence. Friends traveled across the country and down the coast to support, but even more to make the whole thing happen. It truly would not have been what it was without the people there. That was what made the perfection. The documentary crew made the added stress of making an intentionally understated wedding part of a documentary all worth it. My only regrets were not spending more time with each person. My triumph was staying present and in the moment. Soaking it all in.

So many small meaningful things came together to make it more than I could have ever asked for. Most of all, I knew the man I had chosen was the right one. The ceremony brought me out of all the excitement and into the peace that is eternal families. I am grateful to know that we started on that path, and that I can trust him to stay on that path with me.

It was all over too soon. I thought I would be anxious to be beyond the stress of hosting 80 people who I care deeply about. But as we ran through the rice, I wanted to turn around and give each of them a hug and tell them all the reasons I loved them. I didn't...but I spent the next little while writing cards to a lot of them:)

Fergress, saver of the day, and soul (and blood) sister.

I got to spend my last single night with these besties. Love them to bits.

On our way out of the ceremony.

Dividing up my 'bouquet' (the real one was left behind) amongst the flower girls.

The group. People who mean so much to us.

I love this family of mine.

And these girls of mine. Melinda, Tara, and Claudia, where did you go?!

Ahhhh....my favorite place. The temple too.

I'm giving full credit to Serge for this turning out well.

'I love you, Aunt Melissa!' One of my favorite moments, maybe ever.

Miles the MC of the century. This guy...

And he made me ugly laugh.

Wonderful second set of parents.

Her genuine, love-filled words were so reflective of the essence of her being.

Mom and Dad:)

These men have been pivotal figures in Serge's life and I'm so grateful for them.

So grateful that Uncle Malcolm made it.

Food truck amazingness.

Melinda made the most beautiful cake.

Documentary!

No idea what's going on.

The bouquet ordeal ended up being perfect.

Ten minutes of dancing to shut it all down.

Getaway car!

Rice for weeks. Still finding it in our apartment weeks later.

Serge planned the perfect honeymoon, which started with perfect imperfection. First flight was cancelled, miraculously got to second flight in time. Second flight detoured halfway through due to a passenger death. Third flight was missed. Suitcase was lost. I was sick much of the time. And his response to it all and to me was the perfection. We toured Ireland, England, and Scotland, and were not afraid to let ourselves sleep in and detour unexpectedly for exploration and adventures.

 Ireland!

 Irish coast...

 Scotland

Glencoe

 Ireland

 Guiness Lake

 Ireland

St. Patrick's Cathedral

 8 hour emergency room madness in Ireland

 The flies. So many flies...

 The majestic Cliffs of Moher

 The Limerick castle

 Snowdonia

 Preston temple

Glencoe rando hike

After three weeks of traveling, we finally arrived in Nice, in our first home. It feels so inexplicably good to have a home. With a husband who I love being with. In a place where I can walk ten minutes to go for a swim in beautiful clear blue warm water. I don't speak the language, and I am excited to get back to teaching...hopefully kids, and hopefully Montessori, and my health is unpredictable and not ideal, but I am happy. And grateful. And present.

 Quick walk from the train station for a breath of fresh air...Paris!

First meal in our first apartment

The water is so beautiful

First night in our new home!